Author: Sommer A. Seitz, MA, LMHC

I am a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specially trained to work with couples, families, individuals, and children. I consider myself a “root therapist” and seek to discover the underlying emotions, memories, beliefs, and unmet needs that drive many mental health issues. I believe that all people have the capacity to improve their lives when given a safe place to heal, tools that address their whole person (body, mind, and spirit), and are mirrored their strengths. I am also trained to identify relational patterns in which we are commonly stuck and help clients break unwanted negative cycles. I am also a professional educator, previously teaching Spanish and English in public schools. My offices are in Winter Park, FL and Wenatchee, WA.

Finding Space for Self

by Sommer A. Seitz, MA, LMHC, posted in Anxiety, Balanced Lifestyle, Emotional Self-Reliance, Out-of-Control and Chaos, Self-Worth, Sommer Seitz, MA, LMHC
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“Press ‘pause’ and reflect if you are living your best life” – Sommer Seitz, MA, LMHC

Each day it’s important to press “pause” and reflect if you are living your best life.  Most of us are living from a place of fear or auto-pilot that simply reacts to life from the information and patterns we gathered from past-experience, especially the painful ones as fear is 5x more likely to record in our brain for survival purposes. So how can you break this cycle of fearful, reactionary living? This is where mindful connection to self becomes essential.  Self as I am defining it here is that part of you that is curious, calm, confident, compassionate, courageous, creative, connected, and filled with clarity.  You can also identify with self by taking an inventory of to what degree you are living in a pain-free body.  Our bodies do indeed keep score with the painful experiences and mindsets we get stuck in, and my goal today is to give you a starting place to gather needed information to unlock this pain-body and move further into self.

There are more pathways to healing than I can count.  Honestly, healing is a personal journey for each of us, but there are some over-arching principles that I see applying to all in the healing process. Today I will address just two: acceptance and safety.

Acceptance is the first step in the healing process of finding and living in “self.” We cannot leave a place until we arrive at it. The pause I mentioned above allows you to simply gather information, or arrive at where you are in this moment. I challenge you to go inside and be internally focused in this practice, removing external distraction, and just notice with nonjudgmental compassion what sensations, feelings, and thoughts are coming up. This is a great time to just breathe and this allows the body to move into safety which we will discuss more in a moment. You will notice that there are common themes to your thoughts, maybe even like they take on a personality. I like to call these “parts” from the Internal Family Systems trauma model I use in therapy. These parts have a role to protect the wounds you hold from further injury, your body from further pain, and are usually operating out of fear and sense of overwhelm. Notice how tight you get in your body and the nature of the fears your mind is presenting. It’s like you are currently in danger, even if you look around and there is no immediate threat. These parts do things like shame us into always checking and performing, shut us down when feeling overwhelmed, and even help us avoid seeing and acknowledging what is going on inside us. They have great intentions, but this only keeps the wound they are protecting stuck and online, and most importantly these parts keep self from doing its most important job, to heal brokenness from past experience and connect us to our sources of strength.

That bring us to Safety. Once we have accepted where we are and what is going on in our mind and bodies you are ready to establish safety. You better believe that your protective parts will not take a step back from their roles unless they feel heard, understood, that you, self, will take the reins of meeting the need to feel safe.  This can be done in a variety of ways, but some of my favorites are journaling, art expression, maybe finding a song that speaks this your truth, and prayer/mediation. The important thing is that the medium you choose feels safe and nonjudgmental. When you are ready for unpacking this new understanding with an attachment-safe validating person who can stay neutral such as therapist or good friend can lead to even further healing. Some of your partners have this capacity and others get their own parts triggered when you explore with them so be aware of their current capacity. Some questions to ask your parts using the above mediums include: How are your trying to protect me (usually from overwhelm and further wounding), What are your protecting? (Can be a past hurtful experience or negative belief), What are you afraid of? As you create a safe space to explore these answers with compassion, you open the door for self to step forward and offer solutions to your mind, heart, and even directly to these parts that can unlock new ways of addressing your painful experience.

Believe it or not, you live in a self-healing body, and when you can accept and fully witness your painful story, desire to let it go, and then seek the necessary safety and healing source to unpack and unburden yourself, the miracle of healing occurs. I add my witness that this process works, and I have been fortunate enough to be the recipient, instrument, and witness of it many times. I look forward to sharing more ways you can personalize your healing process and tools to do so in coming posts this year!

WE ARE ALL THE SAME: A Thanksgiving Day Message

by Sommer A. Seitz, MA, LMHC, posted in Abundance, Being Needed, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Self-Worth, Sommer Seitz, MA, LMHC

The mission of Whole Women Link is to connect women together in the common purpose of healing and stepping into our true and highest selves. We feel your desires to break the false traditions, patterns, and heal emotions that are in your way of finding your wholeness! We see that we are all the same on the first base level, human. This is not to ignore that very real secondary level of difference that exists such as our privilege, nationalities, color, preferences, religions, etc. However, when we place emphasis on our primary level, that we are all human beings pursuing happiness as we best know how, we relate to each other with compassion and build a sense of connection.

Image result for nkosi johnsonThis phrase, “We are all the same,” was first presented to me in a true story about young Nkosi Johnson’s battle with Aids in South Africa in the book with same title by Jim Wooten.  Nkosi displayed wisdom beyond his years and circumstance when he discovered through his battle with Aids virus that we are connected as a human family and he gave us some powerful words to live by. His speech at a large Aids conference the year before he died at age 11 has had a deep impact on me. Nkosi states, “We are all the same. We are not different from one another. We belong to one family. We love and we laugh. We hurt and we cry. We live and we die… Don’t be afraid of us. We are all the same.” Suffering can either embitter us or draw us together with compassion on each other. We are created for joy and compassion is the key to finding it.

Here are a couple of examples of how “we are all the same” has really added to my joy and I think can add to yours:

I have tried to make it a practice to look at how often I think of myself in term of “I” or “me.” Research shows that those that see themselves as part of a whole or as “we” have more joy. I used this recently when going to speak to group of youth about how to become “shame resistant.” I found myself at first dwelling on what “I” was going to share and needing to be the expert. I then stepped back further and decided, I am a co-traveler dealing with shame as these teens do and I was just there to share in this common “we” struggle and ways “we” can overcome it.  I could then see how I was in no way special or separate from them. Separation steal joy. My sense of connection to these teens created a bridge for me to find a helpful message for “us” and allowed me to feel genuine love and connection with them. I hope and think they felt it too.

Lastly, “we are all the same” has been key in my own healing process. For many years I held a paralyzing belief that “having needs is shameful.” I picked up from many sources the idea that being self-sufficient, not needing anyone, and not speaking or acknowledging vulnerability was preferred. So much of this is false. I love the work of Brene Brown as she taught me that vulnerability and authenticity are keys to overcoming shame and stepping into joy.  We are designed to meet needs in relationships. Both independence and dependence are extremes and the balance is found in interdependence. In denying our needs we are often closed and critical of the neediness we perceive in others. When we stop using valuable energy in denying needs and instead work on accepting them it can lead to powerful avenues of personal growth and connection to others. Turns out we are all the same, we are all beggars, in need of something. As we have courage to speak our needs and seek support, we give others permission to do the same. We are then able to enter the circle of interdependence, grateful and aware of how we have been lifted, and ready to help lift another.

Image result for dalai lama“Joy is the reward, really, of seeking to give joy to others. When you show compassion, when you show caring, when you show love to others, do things for others, in a wonderful way you have a deep joy that you can get in no other way. You can’t buy it with money. You can be the richest person on Earth, but if you care only about yourself, I can bet my bottom dollar you will not be happy and joyful. But when you are caring, compassionate, more concerned about the welfare of others than about your own, wonderfully, wonderfully, you suddenly feel a warm glow in your heart, because you have, in fact, wiped the tears from the eyes of another. “ – The Dalai Lama

Beautiful words to live by…

Resources:

“The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World” (2016), by Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Carlton Abrams.

“The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You are Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are,” (2010), By: Brene Brown

“We are all the Same: A Story of a Boy’s Courage and a Mother’s Love” (2005), by: Jim Wooten

Be Still and Know Yourself

by Sommer A. Seitz, MA, LMHC, posted in Abundance, Emotional Self-Reliance, Self-Worth, Sommer Seitz, MA, LMHC

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I have a flood of clear thoughts that enter my mind before it gets cluttered with my own thoughts, emotions, or agendas.  I have learned to keep a journal and pen next to my bed and record these thoughts and cherish these moments. This pure information is aligned with my life’s purpose and my true nature. It seems for a small moment I am unclouded, I receive pure knowledge, and then it passes.

What if these moments didn’t have to pass?  I have come to understand that there is a key principle one must understand in order to invite these moments to stay and come with greater frequency.  It’s hard to describe in language things that are spiritually discerned, but I believe if you set an intention to be open to new knowledge and have patience for the fallibility of language, I think we can make a stab at this.

Underlying principle = our minds are fundamentally subjective

To be objective we need a source that knows us better than we know ourselves and outside of us. In other words, our thoughts, feelings, and emotions are not who we truly are but only who we imagine we are through a limited lens of reality.  I love the teachings of the Apostle Paul found in the New Testament saying, “we all see through a glass darkly,” and the whole chapter speaks to the power of love or charity to help us rise above this distorted view we each hold (1 Corinthians 13: 12). It is important to recognize that it is not just some of us that see “darkly” but all of us that see “darkly”.  For one reason or another, many outside our control, we have become separated from the love that we were created to receive and give away. Separation from love leads us down false paths to seek approval, comfort, and rest from this feeling. Our bodies even keep score and we have physical effects from the emotions of self-rejection we store in our bodies. When we seek to earn love or seek approval from others separated from love as well it leads to loss of self, dependence, and sometimes slavery to those false sources of love. This type of conditional love never satisfies.  The key to restoring our true nature and wholeness is connecting to an unconditional source of love, a source outside of us, a source that knows us and accepts us right where we are and can show us new steps to take to be truer to ourselves.

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How is this practically accomplished? The idea of finding an unconditional source of love sounds great, but what does that look like as one lives in a less than ideal clouded life or perhaps has little experience feeling this type of love? I have found that while the practices are personal and diverse as we all are, there are some common elements that can help us.

  1. Seek Stillness: Emotion is energy in motion. We need outlets to release low-level emotions to clear and align our thoughts. Through those outlets we eventually arrive at a peaceful states where we capable of letting go of our distracting thoughts and low emotions.  Tools such as yoga, journaling, prayer, reading inspirational text, deep-diagram breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, listening to uplifting music, a walking in nature are a few examples.  We all need to experiment with different tools to determine for ourselves what calms our mind and body.
  2. Seek an Attitude of Humility: “Humility is the catalyst to all learning,” and putting aside one’s own thoughts, biases, and accepting one’s need for knowledge readies the mind to receive. New ways of seeing yourself and the world can then come in.
  3. Have Self-Compassion and Curiosity: “It is what it is.” Self-rejection keeps us from being able to understand and arrive at what is amiss in us and learn from it. Research shows that acceptance is the precursor to change. Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can according to what you understand.
  4. Unpack your Baggage with an empathic Source: For me this is generally my higher power, but to others it may manifest itself in the form of a close trusted friend, spouse, or even a journal. Shame cannot survive empathy so when we feel loved and accepted just as we are, we can begin to remove the block that shame creates. We can move forward.
  5. Ask for what you Need and Be Specific: After unpacking as indicated above, I can often begin to see steps forward or identify what is missing. I find that when I ask my Source specifically for help with these unmet needs, I get small simple steps I can take to help meet my own needs. Sometimes, in the most desperate of times, these needs are met without my involvement, often through others. However, I have found that most often I am called to be a partner in my own healing. I must act on my own behalf.
  6. Have Trust and Gratitude: As my relationship with my Source grows, and my trust in my own abilities increases, I become truly grateful for the guidance and feel more desirous to keep coming back. I am connected to Abundance and I am enough!

My goal is for you to recognize and witness who you are “Clearly” and not who you perceive yourself to be “Darkly”.  You are created perfect and worthy of love. This accurate and “Clear” you holds the keys to the healing and wholeness you seek if you can just be still and know her.

The Perfect Moment

by Sommer A. Seitz, MA, LMHC, posted in Balanced Lifestyle, Sommer Seitz, MA, LMHC

Have you ever had a perfect moment? One where you think “I will remember this for the rest of my life!” I had one of those perfect moments while enjoying a rare one-on-one date with my fifteen year old son at Universal Studios amusement park this past weekend.  Let me preface this store by saying that I am quite afraid of heights and any rides that fall suddenly from tall heights, such as Dr. Doom at Universal Studios. So when my son asked me to ride his favorite ride, Dr. Doom, I was facing a battle between my fear and my desire to connect with my son.  At first, I gave into my anxiety and tried to convince my son to ride alone while I wait.  He wouldn’t have it and said, “Mom, I would rather stay with you.” Hearing those words helped me find the courage to face my fear and honor what I value most, relationship. I heard myself reply, “No, I am riding this ride and facing my fear with courage like you have so many times son.” In my heart I wondered if I really could.  I knew that I had asked him to do things he feared so many times and he had done them and grown for it. It was my turn to practice what I preach. My unforgettable moment was looking at his face after we dropped, went up to drop again, and we were all smiles and laughter.  Of course, it wasn’t as scary as I imagined it would be, and it ended up being my favorite ride all day.

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Why do I pick this experience for today’s post? Because it contains key elements that come into play at those pivotal moments that define who we become.  Do we choose to move forward with faith or do we choose to be hindered by fear? After all, perfect moments don’t just show up, but instead perfect moments are created one courageous step at a time.  Moreover, perfection is found in reality, not in imagined states in which we do not struggle.  You see, my nagging fear kept telling me to shrink from taking this new step, but I wanted to have a new experience with my son more, so I chose to override that fear with courage. It took all of my skills including: deep diagram breathing, affirmations that “you are really safe,” and even some healthy distraction like looking around and people watching, just to gradually take steps forward in line.  The moment of choice came, as it always does, and I had to choose to do the thing that most scares me.  I had to choose to loose control.  Yep, I used the “control” word. Isn’t that what we all fear, letting go of control of our perceived safety and instead choosing trust.  Everything I value in my life has required taking that step into the dark with trust and believing good things would come.

You see perfection for me isn’t a life without mistakes in which we never suffer, but one in which we fully live in the present and take full advantage of the gift we have to learn and grow. One thing I know for certain is “this too shall pass,” so seize the moment and really take full advantage of your ability to choose what you value now. Perfectionism, and the suffering that perfectionism brings, rejects the present as not being good enough and gets stuck in a cycle of dissatisfaction. We compare ourselves to others and a theoretical best. Reality will always fall short of our theoretical best. If you look at the origin of the word perfect, perfectus, meaning completed or done, you can see that your past is already perfect. Your past can’t be added to or changed, and is compete.  All you take from the past is what you learned so you can apply that to your present reality. One of my favorite ideas is this, “a perfectionist pursues perfection, a realist perceives it.” Your perfect moments are all around you, waiting to be seen and courageously embraced. Acceptance of our reality, and fully living in it is not surrender, it’s courage. As you embrace reality, rather than struggle against it, you can apply what you have learned and improve the next moment.

Back to the story at hand… ultimately, I decided I wanted to live without fear and see what came of it more than let it hold me back. It was my perfect moment because it represents the joy that comes from choosing relationship, trust, and courage, over pulling away, distrust, and fear. Remember, “this too shall pass,” and choose to fully embrace the ride of life and all it can teach you. Are you willing to ride up and embrace the fall?

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Book referenced – “Present Perfect: a mindfullness approach to letting go of perfectionism & the need for control,” by Pavel Somov, PH.D.

Self-Love: You are a 10!

by Sommer A. Seitz, MA, LMHC, posted in Emotional Self-Reliance, Self-Worth, Sommer Seitz, MA, LMHC

You are a 10! This a phrase I use to break my negative self-talk that has a habit of resurfacing at times. Nearly 12 years ago, a mentor of mine could see that I was struggling with self-acceptance, and like most of us struggling to love and accept ourselves, that internal criticism did not leave me feeling motivated to become better.  Instead, it paralyzed me from moving forward and being the best version of myself. I erroneously held the belief that if I loved and accepted myself as I currently was that I would stop seeking further excellence.

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Enter the mentoring that forever shifted my paradigm… my mentor asked me to rate myself in areas I was currently performing such as a young parent, wife, sister, daughter, etc from 1 to 10. 10 being the highest possible rating.  After giving a rating to each category, I gave myself an overall score. I think I gave myself a 4. She then asked me to think on my newborn child and rate my child’s worth from 1 to 10. Without hesitation I said, “She is a 10.” She asked me to ponder why my child, who had not yet performed any of the roles in life, was a 10 while I was a 4.

I thought, “Well, I guess I lost it somewhere in all my weaknesses.” She then gently said, “You have always been a 10, you have just forgotten. Perhaps, it is time to remind yourself.” Bam! That hit me to my core and I then began looking at messaging all around me.  The common messaging was that my worth was based on performance, status, comparison to others, and arrival at some determined achievement. I started to see the lies that I did not want to pass on to my infant daughter. I hoped she would always know she is a 10. I knew I would become the mirror that she looked into first to understand her value. No pressure right! I spent hours in prayer letting the spirit speak to me on my worth . Worth is not just in some of us but in all of us. I realized that if I could learn to accept and love myself and my own uniqueness, I would then be able to understand that weakness does not equal a decrease in worth.  Worth is constant.  Worth helps us use our strengths to address weaknesses with less paralyzing fear.

I share my story with you as I know it is a common story among women I know, love, and work with. Self-love really does lead to change. You don’t have to earn your worth, You were born a 10 and still are! When you can embrace that, perhaps even identify the source of the voices that told you that you were less then a 10 and speak back to those voices with the truth, you will free yourself and have the confidence to align your choices with your true identity and what truly represents you. Love really does set us free.

I conclude with some of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson:

-“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us”

-“Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are”

-“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here”

I cannot agree more.